My Superstitious Faith
“It’ll be just my luck for something terrible to happen.”
I was speaking recently with my husband about something and I made this flippant comment. I can’t remember exactly what I was referring to, but I will never forget my husband’s response. He saw through my flippant comment and realized it wasn’t flippant at all; it was a reflection of my heart. He responded, “Trillia, that’s superstitious and sounds like you aren’t trusting God.” It stopped me in my tracks and I suddenly realized that I’ve been relating to life and God with superstition instead of faith throughout the past month.
You see, we’ve had a peaceful, joy-filled, pretty easy month. We haven’t had any trials, at least none that stand out. It’s been a slow month—I haven’t been traveling, the kids’ activities have all but halted, and besides swimming our way through end of the year paperwork, it’s been easy-going. And yet I’m afraid. I’ve been afraid that the bottom will drop out and we’ll find ourselves enduring a great trial. I’ve been waiting for something horrible to happen that might ruin our happy month. And because I’m holding the good things at arms length, it’s been difficult to fully enjoy and thank God for the sweet rest of this season. I’ll find myself thinking that my “lucky streak” will run out and I’ll get hit with something bad. I’ve endured many trials in the past and though I know they are good and refining, I have found myself anxious about “what’s next.”
A Need for True Faith
As I’ve thought about this struggle and tension, it reminded me of my third pregnancy. I had two miscarriages prior to that pregnancy and remember being terribly frightened that I’d lose the third child. It was difficult for me to even celebrate the pregnancy. At every appointment, I was sure I’d hear the dreaded words, “We don’t hear a heartbeat.” During those months, I had to learn to trust God and rest in him. I needed faith to believe that my pregnancy was a gift and I could indeed enjoy it and thank Him for it, even with a guarded heart.
This most recent season of life has felt similar, except there isn’t any tangible reason to fear. I’ve simply looked to the future and God’s way in error. So I’m learning all over again what it means to fight for faith, even in the midst of the joys of this life.
A Good God at All Times
Part of what God continues to remind me as I learn to trust Him and fight for faith is that He is indeed sovereign, but he is also oh so good. If God is only sovereign and not also good, then there’s reason to fear. But God is good and sovereign and He has promised to do only good (Psalm 119: 68). But His goodness doesn’t equal a lack of trials. When I look to the unknown, I need not fear because I am in the hands of a good God and not because there are no troubles ahead. He is my Father and I can rest and trust Him—He is who He is regardless of whether or not I believe it. But, today, I’m asking God to help me believe.
As the Preacher of Ecclesiastes wrote, there is a time for everything (Eccle. 3: 1-8). Right now, for me, is a time for rejoicing. My prayer for you and for me is that we would learn to rejoice and dance and play and enjoy all that God is doing. And when the time comes for mourning, my prayer is that God will supply the grace needed in that season. But if that time is not now, let’s put off fear and worry and plead for faith to trust our good Father.
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This past week I joined five storytellers in Rwanda to meet the incredible men and women served by HOPE International and capture stories. The stories are wonderfully encouraging but their lives were a lesson to me. On Tuesday, we drove out with another organization (Aziza Life) to learn from women of the Abumurvava Village, which means “The Courageous People” and experience the typical lifestyle of a woman in the countryside. As we drove out to this village and as I interacted with the women, I couldn’t get Proverbs 31, the famous Hebrews poem, out of my head.